Thursday, March 5, 2009

How to Commit Career Suicide

Sleeping on the job, stealing from your boss, or lying on your resume are so 1940s. When it comes to the ultimate method to giving your career the final farewell, consider getting into a fight with your slightly not so teenage girlfriend just hours before you are both scheduled to perform at the Grammy Awards. But you say you don't have a girlfriend and you have no singing talent. To fix the first problem, post an ad on Craigslist. It should read something like this, "single guy seeks a 21 year old female for a long-term relationship. Female should be preferably Bajan who is insecure and thinks getting a beating is a true expression of love." To fix the second, I'd suggest talking to Kanye West or maybe T-Pain. They have perfected the art of singing without a hint of talent.

Since the Chris Brown-Rihanna alleged report of domestic violence became public, there have been speculations about what truly happened that night. From blogs, to radio personalities, major television networks and even on the Oprah Winfrey Show, many concerned Americans have tried to understand with almost little to no information the reason Chris Brown attacked his lover turned unnamed female companion just hours before they were to perform at the Grammy's. For a while, all most people relied on to make their judgments was just plain hear say, and reports from Chris Brown's camp and Rihanna's. However, when the photographs of a badly battered Rihanna leaked from the Los Angeles Police Department archives into the claws of tabloid site TMZ, it was clear that regardless of what may have taken place that night that Rihanna did indeed suffer a brutal beating at the hands of Chris Brown.

In the past weeks, Chris Brown has been kicked off some major deals, including one for Wrigley's chewing gum. Some radio stations have stopped playing his songs altogether and he has become the poster boy for domestic abuse dons across the United States. In spite of the allegations against him, the young man over the weekend vacationed in Miami on the property of Sean Combs and defiantly flexed his muscles and smiled with glee as the paparazzi swarmed to get his pictures as he rode on a jet ski. After all, he had done his part. He already issued an apology and claimed that he was in counseling to ensure that his abusive behavior would not be repeated. Then he hired top defense attorney, Mark Geragos who helped both Winona Ryder and Michael Jackson get just what probably amounts to a slap on the wrist when they should otherwise be behind the slammer.

Earlier today, Chris Brown appeared in court in a somber looking and terribly ill fitting three piece suit with a tie that looked like a giant Chinese kite. His attorney, Geragos appeared very upbeat, and laughed a couple of times before the proceedings. Despite being arraigned in court earlier today on two felony counts, Chris Brown's attorneys have managed to get his hearing moved to April 6. So with the time lapse, they will get their own witnesses, testimony will get badly screwed up, Rihanna will be deeper in love with her abuser -hence there will be more reason not to press charges- and their spawn if rumors are true will be incubating as the two lovebirds plan their future together. Maybe Chris Brown will get the axe and be sent to a state facility or maybe he'll be sent off to his studio to work on some songs his fans badly need to hear. He'll probably get more deals, just ask Kobe Bryant. Or maybe he'll play stab Rihanna next time and go to jail for real like O.J. Simpson. I really don't have the formula for career suicide. When you are young and rich and have the word "celebrity" used in the same sentence as your name the lines become blurred and it's all about rolling dice.

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